Who I was, was a worldly young adult obsessed with me. Really, that’s what it all boils down to. I was the center of my own universe and I was always thinking, getting depressed, and trying to both elevate and escape from me. I was feministic and entirely self sufficient in my thoughts. I grew up in a family that although I love, was a bit broken and eschew with many secrets, probably like a lot of people here. I was a “good” kid to most adults mainly because I was a decent athlete–if you were a jock you were normally considered in the “good” category. But, they were wrong. I was boy obsessed. I constantly lied to my parents. I drank and partied a lot. I was really mean to those I didn’t consider the least bit cool, and I was really hurting from a lot of family issues… which of course made all the meanness, drinking and boy kissing okay. Over the years some of my extended family that I was closer to became Christians. As I babysat and hung out at their house, they would share the gospel with me. In fact I had heard the gospel dozens of times growing up either from going to church with friends, through young life clubs, family members and even a close friend who to this day I’m not sure if she is really even a Christian. Point being that I knew that God had sent his son Jesus to die for me. I was okay with that, even cried a time or two. But in my mind it was more a rhetorical thing to hear. I mean, why wouldn’t God die for me if he was all loving like they were saying? There was no connection or true understanding. My eyes were blinded.
Fast forward to 2001. I was falling deeper and deeper into depression, would drive to school everyday thinking that if I just turned my steering wheel into the jersey wall, it could all end. I was drinking a lot of the time now and it really was just something to numb me to pain and help me feel happiness. I decided to go cross country to California in a last ditch effort to start a new life, and if it didn’t work out, I would just be done with life. Sovereignly, God put a boy in my life who also was planning a cross country trip with his other friend. I’ve told you how I liked boys, remember? Especially cute boys. Not the best idea I’ve ever had. This boy happened to be a friend of my brother and the boyfriend of another friend. He also was a Christian. Not that you would know it at the time though. He was running away from God shaking his fist and pretty much doing anything and everything he could to spite Him. So, we were off in Sept of 2001 for a 2 month adventure cross country. I don’t remember much from that trip, bits and pieces, a lot of them in an alcoholic haze, or through streaming tears. While there were fun & crazy moments, sin was abounding. I was miserable, hurting people I loved, and destroying relationships. The one thing that I thought would help me to be happy just ended up making it worse. There were times that this boy, through drunken conversations, would actually share God word with me. So here we were one night in Salt Lake City, Utah, of all places, and I had been crying for a few days straight. Couldn’t explain it to this boy, but he knew what I needed. It wasn’t more alcohol or excitement, it was the gospel. He proceeded to tell me that I was going to feel like this the rest of my life, miserable and chained. But that there was a God who made a way for me and had taken all my sin, my wickedness, my pain upon himself on a cross so that I could be free from it. That His name is Jesus and He’s reaching out his hand for me to trust him and what he had done for me. That I could be forgiven if I would ask and turn to Him. It sounded SO simple to me. So I agreed. Laying there in my tear soaked sleeping bag in Salt Lake City, Utah, I was regenerated as I prayed quietly for forgiveness and placed my trust in Christ. I was able to sleep that night.
From that point on, I really felt different. I remember the boy asking me while we were driving back to Maryland a few days later if I felt any different. The only way I was able to describe it was that I felt like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz when she walks out of her house into Oz and its suddenly colorful. It was absolutely that way for me, I could see the colors of the leaves on the trees and the mountains as we drove by. We got home, and while my relationship with this boy went through many changes, the Lord was changing my heart to follow Him only and establishing His word as my authority. I came to this church, got plugged into the newly formed young adults ministry called Crossroads at that time and was warmly welcomed and discipled by the leaders, and other more mature Christians in the group. I dove into Gods word every chance I got and cried pretty much every Sunday at church as I learned more of Gods grace, love, and forgiveness of me, the foremost of sinners.
Since then, the Lord has continued to show me grace through the conviction of sin, encouragement from his Word, being served by and serving this church, and sanctifying me in ways I never could or would have imagined. You see, before I became a Christian, I didn’t see the point in marriage, and definitely didn’t see the point in having kids if I was just going to mess them up too. But, in Gods sovereignty, I married that boy that I mentioned before, and we have 4 (& with one on the way!) children. I am beyond blessed by them, have true joy in my life through Christ, and though this is probably a harder life in many ways, I have a Savior who not only has gone before me and promises to never leave me or forsake me, but paid my greatest debt.
-A.P.
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