A Picture That Reads: I’m Infertile

I was looking for something in the back of my vanity a few weeks ago and as I reached back, I started pulling out all of the empty boxes of Pregnancy Tests I keep hidden back there. I knew they were there, but I didn’t realize how many I had let pile up.

I started clearing them out not thinking anything of it until I turned around and saw the pile; a little pang hit my heart.

I know that many of you will look at that pile of boxes and know exactly what feeling I am talking about. It’s not just the the reminder of all the babies that weren’t, it’s also a reminder of all the sadness, anxiety and stress that comes every month (or all of the time if you are actively trying to conceive without success). A reminder that your body is failing you and that there is something you so desperately want but just can’t have.

For me, I have come to accept this part of me. I am 80% content. Ha. Maybe 90%. Since my children are older now and can cook for themselves, stay home alone, sleep in… we’ve got it easy. Starting over again would be quite an adjustment.

However, I have always wanted a lot of children so on occasion, if I am “late”, immediately the stress and anxiety comes flooding back. Really a mix of emotions; “Oh no!” and “oh please!” It’s so frustrating when you don’t understand your body. It’s sad when yet again- it’s negative. BUT- in a few days it could be positive… test. test. test.

Though I love my children and am very grateful to have been able to naturally conceive and birth two beautiful children, there will always be a little grief in my heart for the family that I thought I would have.

I feel bad saying that because I know there are many that can’t even conceive one child and so it seems unfair because “at least you have children”. You’re right, I will never 100% fully understand but on a very small scale- I can relate and have so much compassion for what you’re going through. I know it. I feel it. To those of you walking that journey, you are seen and you are loved.

To dove tail off of that, I know that my children are miracles. 100%. There is not a doubt in my mind that my children, and all children, are frikin’ miraculous gifts. Your child- the hard one. The unplanned one. GIFTS.

It REALLLLLLY pisses me off when I come across parents who have multiple children and keep having children- yet they don’t care for them of treat them well!! WTH. It doesn’t feel fair.

I’ve digressed.

<Deep Breath>

For curiosities sake: There is not an explanation for our infertility. We have both seen professionals and there is nothing obvious as to why we weren’t/ haven’t been able to conceive. We agreed that we would not seek medical intervention. We are not actively trying, but we also don’t have to … given our circumstance so there is always a possibility for another miracle.

Why am I writing this? It’s healing to share the unseen parts of my life. The thoughts and feelings that swirl around in my head feel much better once I get them out onto “paper”. Also, I know I am not alone. Sometimes it feels very lonely. I want to let the women who are struggling with infertility (or struggling in general) who feel like they are alone- you are not alone. I know, life can be hard.

Here are a few Pregnancy Test tips that are appropriate for everyone…

• The Dollar Store tests work perfectly fine and they are only $1!! This tip will save you hundreds.
• Better yet, Walmart sells a similar test and it is only $.89!
• DO NOT waste your money on the blue dye tests. The blue dye tests are more likely to develop evaporation lines which can be very confusing.
• Stop telling people who are trying to get pregnant: “when you stop stressing out about it, it will happen.” This is not helpful and it could not be true. Instead, tell them you are sorry and buy them some ice cream!

Have a great rest of your week!

❤

ADD:

Because I am a Christian and I hope to leave at least one encouraging message in my posts, I want to remind you about El Roi: The God who sees. THE GOD WHO SEES! He sees you! He knows what you are going through and sees you. You are not alone.

When Hagar ran away from Abram and Sarai she was crying under a bush because of the terrible way she had been treated.

If you don’t know, Sarai gave her servant Hagar to Abram in order to conceive a baby because Sarai was barren. Well, Hagar did conceive a baby and Sarai got jealous so she started mistreating Hagar so Hagar ran away. Ugh! (Paraphrased from Gen. 16)

While Hagar was crying under the bush God appeared to her (the Bible actually says that He “found” her, which I like better because that means He was looking for her, He didn’t just show up but He sought her out!) and spoke to her. Hagar was comforted by this and replies: “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen the One who looks after me.” Genesis 16:13

Hagar was so encouraged by what God said to her that she returned to Abram and Sarai and raised her son. Did her situation change? Sadly no. But God built her faith and gave her what she needed to endure her hardships.

If you feel alone or trapped or sad (or mistreated), remember that you also have a God who sees you and who is looking after you. Try talking to Him. Tell him your fears and your worries. I know He can and will comfort you like He comforted Hagar that day under the bush. Like He comforts me.