I wasn’t exactly sure how to start explaining how God has dramatically transformed my life. I thought, maybe God can come down from the Heavens for 10 minutes and tell you my life in His words! Which would definitely be the way to go if I had those kind of connections. But since I am but a sinner on Earth, I figured Gods words, from my heart, to your ears, would do the trick! So here we go, the three chapters of my life, so far!
Chapter one: “I once was lost in darkest night, yet thought I knew the way, the sin that promised joy and life, had led me to the grave.” That is the opening verse to a song we sang at the NewAttitude conference in May 2008 (“All I Have Is Christ” by Sovereign Grace Ministries). Crikey if those four lines didn’t describe my life! I must say God has blessed me with the best family. Nothin’ but love being spread. Mom and Dad, my brothers Eric, Ryan, and Nick, my dog Gilligan (RIP Gill), I love you guys. My sisters in law Amanda, and Janet, I couldn’t have asked for more beautiful, loving sisters and more God honoring wives to my older brothers. My nephew Ezra, my nieces Keely, Lila, Lucy, Maelyn and the wee baby on its way, I love you too.
I knew the truths about God growing up. I thought I was a Christian because I believed everything the Bible said but my life didn’t necessarily bare the fruit. I thought to myself that I would eventually come back to the church, back to Christ. I want to tell you that not everybody is chosen to come back to Christ. Not everyone like my friend Dan that just died in a drunk driving accident one year ago. He didn’t get to live his life for Christ because he was too busy living it for himself. Im pretty sure you guys know the feeling of thinking your invisible. Well were definitely visible, especially to God. So in my “invisible” state of mind I decided not to live for Christ during my middle and high school years, but to live for myself and the world. That’s what was best for me I thought.
Chapter two: “I had no hope that you would own, a rebel to your will, and if you had not loved me first, I would refuse you still.” That is the second verse to the song. High School was where it all seemed to start for me. I liked who I was becoming, Captain of the football team, Captain of the baseball team, stud muffin, you know, all the things that make you “cool.” It’s also where my drinking, drugs, and girls began to take lead role in my script I like to call “life.” Keeping up with my “coolness,” my friends and I were known as the “party guys”, I guess you could say. After senior year I didn’t skip a beat as I entered my first years as a college student. Neither did my party habits. I thought I was slick because I never was getting caught by the cops for underage drinking or drugs. Thought I was slick because my parents didn’t seem to know what I was always up to since I lied to them again, and again. I told my Mom and Dad that I didn’t drink much but that the reason I always went out was to see my friends. I didn’t think I had a drinking problem, for three years. Three popped tires in one month from running over curbs while drinking and driving. Getting into a fight at a party that ended with a gun pointed at my face. The “Big Man” up above is definitely looking out for me, I used to say because one of the popped tire incidents should have ended my time on Earth. Alcohol was my drug of choice. Sure there were other preoccupants, but nothing made me feel so “good” like drinking. Definitely one of the worst things you can do to your body, brain, life in general. My drinking progressively got worse. By worse I mean frequency, quantity, and socially. In a way I found something I was good at. I won a lot of money playing a drinking game called beer pong. I held tournaments at my apartment, which led to more “friends,” which led to more drinking. I missed Easter service two years in a row because the night before I thought it was a good idea to go out and get smashed. I never missed Easter service in my life. It got so bad that my friends actually gave me a nickname, “Dr. Unk.” It’s not a name given to someone that has an occasional beer, let’s just put it that way. The definition of tolerance is: “the power of enduring or resisting the action of a drug, poison.” Well my tolerance became high enough to the point where I would never get sick, never a hangover, somehow never got alcohol poisoning. I would get off of work, go to the liquor store, buy a fifth of Captain Morgan and a two liter of Diet Coke, drive home, make my first drink, make my second drink, and finish the bottle off with my third drink. This trend was during the weekdays because during the weekends, my friends and I would party enough to keep me “hydrated.” My body began to need the alcohol in order for me to sleep. I think that’s when I realized I may have a problem. Didn’t stop me though because I had to sleep somehow, and sober sleep sure wasn’t making the grade, endless thoughts, cold sweats, trying to find the perfect sleeping position was how a sober night of sleep went. So 4-7 times a week, whether it was just hanging out watching the tube, or going to a party, I pretty much made sure I was going to be able to sleep that night. The worst part of it all wasn’t the sleep, it was that I would drink and blackout every time. I mean every time I drank I would have no recollection of what happened the night before. That was by far the worst thing. I would never remember finishing the bottle from the night before and many times I would wake up thinking there was still some left. Waking up in the morning my buddy would say, “Dude do you know what you did last night Ha-Ha,” I would say, “no man what happened.” Friends would think its funny when they would do that, “I drank so much last night I don’t even remember what happened, Ha-Ha-Ha.” In my head I’m thinking, “Yeah man, I know what you mean.” This went on night after night for three years. My girlfriend at the time said to me, “Josh these are supposed to be the best times of your life, and you don’t even remember them.” I thought man, that’s so true; o well let the good times roll. I spiraled more downhill when I moved out of my house and got an apartment with two of my best friends. Man this is going to be so much fun. And it was, sure, sinning is fun. Its supposed to be fun otherwise no one would do it. Complete freedom. To do what I want, when I want, how I want. The perfect opportunity to slowly kill the body that God gave me. I was a hypocrite in that sense because I preached the word of being healthy yet every night I would consume enough alcohol to destroy my memory of even drinking it. Other drugs didn’t help but I didn’t think they were an issue. I knew it was unhealthy, I knew it was too much, I knew I was sinning against God every time I had a drink. I didn’t care because I was selfish, naïve, and thought to myself “Ill stop one day, no worries.” My parents would ask me about my drinking and I would assure them everything was “okay.” Even when they found me passed out in my car in the driveway from the night before, I would explain to them I had one too many and that it didn’t happen often. And so I would deceive them once again. The third verse to the song goes, “But as I ran, my hell bound race, indifferent to the cost, you looked upon my helpless state, and led me to the cross.” This song sure is relentless, or is it Gods grace? Hmmm.
Chapter 3: With God any thing is possible. I just want to assure you of this. The fourth verse to that awesome song goes as follows, “and I beheld, God’s loved displayed, you suffered in my place, you bore the wrath, reserved for me, now all I know is grace.” January of 2008 I made a new years resolution for myself and I was going to stick to it no matter what. I was going to stop drinking so much, start working out again, eating healthier, and start spending more time with my family. Notice how God had no priority in my life at that point. My drinking didn’t stop, nor did it slow down, and because of that I wasn’t spending time with my family like I had wanted. I had an all out birthday week in March, from March 16th to the 22nd; don’t remember most of it so that was worth it. After I turned 21 I actually did slow down. I can honestly say that it took me until April of 2008 to get on track with all four of those things, plus an additional little life changing event. Friends and family had been telling me for months that they were praying for me, praying that I would come to know the God who saves. I was in desperate need of that “Guy” that’s for sure! My brother Eric and I made a deal one night in April, a few weeks before New Attitude. We agreed that my soul would go through a transformation, and his health habits would do the same. At this time I had no plans of going to the New Attitude conference. A few weeks later it came to be that God had opened the door for me to go. Funny how God works isn’t it, by ways that only he could work and by giving a specific humble servant the means of funding my trip so that I would be able to go for free. This was it I thought, the fun is over, the Lord is going to take over my life. What I did not realize was the joy that I was without for so long is going to change my life forever. So I went to New Attitude with an open heart, and an open mind, not exactly sure if I was a Christian. The very first night of the conference we had only, maybe, gotten through half the first song, when the main speaker comes onto the stage and says, “You know, I feel like there are people in this crowd who are living for their reputation, partying, drinking, living for themselves.” I remember thinking,”O boy!” Im pretty sure at that moment, God pointed his finger right at my face, directly into my heart, and said “You are mine!” Now at that moment I still hadn’t repented and turned from my sin but I knew that this weekend was going to drastically change my life. So the next night after worship, my friend Mike (who by the way was the one who had paid so willingly that I may go to Na), came to me wanting to talk, I said “sure,” thinking it was going to be about his Philadelphia Phillies winning again or something. So we met later in our room and he explained to me how he had this vision and how he wanted to share it with me. I said “Okay lets do it.” He says, “I have this vision Josh, of these two men walking towards you in a field, I can’t make out their faces they are blank, they walk up to you holding a golden shovel, they offer you this shovel to start digging with. So you take the shovel and start digging. You keep digging and as you are getting deeper and deeper it starts to rain. An extremely heavy downpour, the rain is starting to fill the hole but you keep digging. The rain begins to go above your head and the only things out of the water are your arms. A man appears at the top and grabs a hold of your hands. Now at the bottom of the pit are hands grabbing and holding onto your ankles, they are friends trying to keep you down. You try to get your ankles free but you are so far down it seems impossible. Finally the man pulls you out of the pit and asks you to walk with him. So you start walking and on each side of the path are more holes, left and right. So you come to the end of the path where there is a cross. The man hands you a hammer and nails and asks you to choose to either nail him to the cross or go back to the pits.”
The last part of the song goes, “Oh father use my ransomed life, in any way you choose, and let my song forever be, my only boast is you. Hallelujah! All I have is Christ, Hallelujah! Jesus is my life!”
Right now, my life is completely different then I could have ever imagined (just ask me and I will tell you about it). God has changed me and saved me from the destructive path I was going down. I am free and blessed and joyful and grateful for this glorious life. I will continue to live my life in any way He chooses.
All I have is Christ.
-J.P.
janetsplanetblog.com 