The bravest thing my mother ever did was agree to let herself die.
I have thought about this a lot and could not think of a better way to word it.
In early March of 2019 my mom was diagnosed with Metastatic Brain Cancer with a life expectancy of six months (at best). My Mother chose not to know what her life expectancy was but gave us permission to find out.
I needed to know.
Though she was rapidly declining internally, the medication she was on made her seem “fine” and at times I couldn’t imagine that she only had six months to live.
When I say “fine” I mean, she was sick, but not about to die sick.
Less than a month later, it was obvious that six months was optimistic as we were in the Hospital again with nothing to do but anticipate more Hospital visits. With this reality she decided to opt for comfort care.
Comfort care sounds nice, but for someone with kidney failure who has been on dialysis for four years, it’s not.
When Mom agreed to comfort care, she was agreeing to death.
When choosing comfort care, or Palliative Care, you are choosing to forgo any life saving treatments and procedures. You are choosing pain management and quality of life for the remaining life you have left. This means, no more dialysis for Mom. Dialysis is what has kept her alive for the past four years.
I was in support of her choosing comfort care for herself but I was not ready to let her go yet.
I cried. “Please Mom, just one more treatment. Please!” If she agreed to one more treatment before she signed the paperwork, we could get 10-12 more days with her. But, Mom was done. She was so done. She had hated every second of dialysis and she was happy that she could finally refuse.
Refusing dialysis on this day meant that at most, we had five-seven days left with her.
Can you imagine? Making a decision for yourself that means choosing death? Knowing the exact day you could die and saying yes?
And thats just what she did. She made the decision to let herself die. That is the bravest thing she ever did.
She spent six days at Gilchrist Hospice Care in a comfy bed surrounded by her loved ones when she was finally called Home to be with her Father in Heaven.
No more pain, no more dialysis. No more Hospitals or rehabs or doctor bills. Just the bravest woman I know hanging out with Jesus in her new perfect body on a perfect beach drinking White Russians that won’t hurt her stomach.
=)
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9
Dondee Lynn Boylan: February 24, 1962- April 8, 2019
janetsplanetblog.com 