my life as i see it

I have notices that most women prefer my hair curly and most men prefer my hair straight (well, not most men, as far as I know just my husband but that is the man who counts the most.), why is that? It is definitely easier to not straighten my hair but I can go longer without washing it if it is straight (I know, it sounds gross, but hey, you do what you can when you have a toddler running around). I was just wondering.

I also notice that all woman, most woman, comment on the color of my hair. They always have. BUT, I am pretty sure out of all of my friends I was asked out the least growing up. One man i met somewhat recently said that all men secretly have a thing for redheads, I wasn’t sure whether or not that was a creepy comment that should have concerned me but my questions is, where are they? lol. It doesn’t matter because my husband (who I personally think is the best looking thing on two legs) loves it… I was just wondering.

I am in a weird state of life right now. If those two random comments above didn’t tip you off to that. I don’t know. I have just been thinking a lot. I could also say I have been complaining a lot but mainly just thinking (and complaining).

I always thought I was going to go “big things”. I always always wanted to become a teacher but when I saw what a teacher’s salary was I opted for larger dreams. I decided I wanted to become a Doctor of Psychology. Two things happened. 1) 8 YEARS OF SCHOOL? Heck NO! 2) I failed my first Psych class in college. Okay, I didn’t fail, but I didn’t necessarily do great. Then, I had no idea what the heck I wanted to be and before I knew it, I was working two jobs to pay for schooling to be I don’t know what which lead me into another full-time job to pay for the classes that weren’t taking me anywhere and then I got married and then pregnant and, well, here I am. I am a Stay at Home Mom. This is certainly a “big thing”, a big job and a hard one. A huge blessing. But, Not a News Anchor or a Professional Blogger or a Crafter or an Author or an Actor or a Singer or really anything that might make me feel appreciated. Not that I don’t feel appreciated, but I want to be loved. I am loved, but, I want to accomplish something and get paid for it and really enjoy it. I enjoy my job, but, well, you know what I mean.

And money. Well, I would say that honestly, I really do for the most part trust God with our finances. We have never been in need. Sure, we have been in want, there are lots of things that I “want” but we have never been in need. I have been in so much want lately it is crazy. Nothing ridiculous, I sure could come up with ridiculous, but just things that I am really desiring that I can’t buy. 

When I spend money I feel super guilty because we are on one income. It was totally different when I was able to help financially but Ryan works so hard all day, 6 days a week for me to just spend it. It is terrible. And believe me people, we are talking, I buy groceries, diapers and an occassional lunch a Chik-fil-a after my workouts when I forget my lunch (don’t worry, I usually get a salad-lol) so it is not like I went on a shopping spree and spent all of this money and now I feel guilty, but if I do want to buy something Ryan can’t tell me “no” and I buy it and then I feel guilty. I don’t know why I feel guilty. Probably because there are some many things we would like to save for that we aren’t saving for so if I spend any of our “excess” money I feel bad because it could go toward…. whatever…

I am totally rambling but if I don’t get these thoughts out I will keep thinking about them and not be able to sleep and because I have an alarm clock without a snooze button (Lucy), I need my sleep.

I feel so frumpy. I am not sure if it is me getting older or me having had a baby that is taking a toll on my body. I guess I could go with both? When I look at other women who are my age, they still so lovely and lively looking. Me on the other hand, my dark circles are getting darker, my skin is getting oily-er, my teeth, my nails, my hair…. all of it, it is changing. WHAT THE CRAP? Come on! And, I am really just going to have to come to terms with the fact that I am just going to have flab. It comes with the territory. We would like to have three more children (Lord willing) and I can only imagine that flab to come. I work out (not so often) and eat pretty well (minus all that sugar I like to eat) but I think that in order to get the body I had in High School I am going to have to workout 2 hours a days 5/6 days a week (like I did in HS) and I just don’t really think that is possible with the schedule that I have going on here. Actually, it is possible but I don’t want to and I am not gonna.

Cleaning. How I would like to decorate this room or that. I need a new wardrobe because my clothes are ugly and they don’t fit. Do they make a good under eye conceals that actually works and doesn’t rub off? I really hope Lucy poops after I leave so I don’t have to change that diaper. Man I need to vacuum out this car. Is that a mouse turd or a piece of lint? I would be nice if I have my own little secret stash of money so I could save it (you know you wont save it Janet) and surprise Ryan with a special trip. Geeze, when was the last time you shaved?

And that my friends is the thought process, of a Stay at Home Mom at 25 years old. What is wrong with me?